Uncertainty

Today in my life and family we are facing many uncertainties. I don't understand how God can put a person through so much. I am only 23 years old... I should be enjoying life and making a family. Instead I fight to survive and try to keep a clear head. My family has been through so much and it's hard to count the blessing when their is so much pain... Please pray for our family today... Both of my sister in laws are going to the doctor for problems. One, a high risk pregnancy and the other may have blood clots. Please pray... Our family can't take much more...

Just another manic Monday

Hey
So I guess people are actually reading this blog! Wow! I am glad to hear that my story has touched you. It's definitely been a roller coaster ride.
So... We are trying for another baby. This has been a nightmare in itself as well! We have been trying for about a year now. They have me on Clomid (fertility drug) trying to get me to ovulate. This last month I did ovulate and I just KNEW I was pregnant. I took a test every morning. But, I guess God has other plans for me. My tests ended up being negative and I just started my next round of Clomid yesterday. I hate having to do this. I just wish God would give me a break and let our family have some good news for once. It seems that after Kinsie died we don't get any good news. Or maybe we are just so oblivious to it? We are SO grateful for Katie though. She is so wonderful. Even though she has her 'moments' she is such an amazing little person. I don't know what I'd do without her. "Thank you Jesus!"
Anywho, if any of you have any pointers out there to help us conceive a little faster, please send em my way!!! :)

Just a memory, bad dream?

As I look through these blogs that may be similar to mine. I realize that losing a child happens to more than just one person. So you ever wonder what God is thinking? Or maybe it's just a bad dream that you're about to wake up from and when you do you'll be pregnant with your precious baby again. I think I think that everyday...
Kinsie Grace. When I see or hear that name, wether it be her or someone else that has that name, my heart rips apart all over again. I find myself avoiding her pictures as I look back. But when I do, I look at the most beautiful sight anyone could ever see. How could anything so perfect die?
Here's her story:
On December 28, 2006 I was 36 weeks pregnant and was miserable with preeclampsia. I was having to go to the doc 2 times a week for observation. This day was different though... Something just didn't feel right. That morning I was lightheaded and pretty much passed out in the shower. So they admitted me for more observation. After that, everything was a blur. Everytime they would lay me back her heart rate would drop and so would mine along with my blood pressure doing crazy things. So at that point they decided it was time to a c section. I was fine with that because my first daughter was born by c section at 34 weeks weighing only 4 lbs and made it with flying colors. So my thoughts were positive at this time. They prepared me and within a few minutes Kinsie was born. The most beautiful baby... Weighing 7 lbs and healthy as she could be. Everything was going so smoothly. It was late, so they gave me something so I could rest and assured me Kinsie was doing perfectly.
The next day, my husband and I went to visit her in the nursery and she was under an oxygen hood, which we had known, she had had a little bit of a rough bout with her lungs. She was so beautiful. I could her her sigh as she breathed and I thought my heart would explode with love this perfect child.
At around noon my husband took our 2 year old, Katie, home for a nap and shower. Everything was great. He was also getting Kinsie's things so we could bring her home soon. But at around noon her pediatrician came in and said she was having trouble breathing but didn't think it was too serious just probably something from her being a preemie, and that they had to put her on a ventilator. Things went down hill from there... From then on her pediatrician kept coming in with worse news. They had turned her over to a NICU doctor and they couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. At first they thought she had a touch of pneumonia and they started her on antibiotics. That didn't work... So they put a catheter in her leg to go to her heart and that's when they found it... She was then siagnosed with Pulmonary Hypertension of the Newborn. They were fairly confident they could get her pressure numbers down so they hesitated on having her life flighted at that time. They tried every kind of treatment they could get their hands on. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Was my sweet baby really going to die? God wouldn't do this to me." these were just some of my thoughts. At their last resort they finally called Little Rock childrens hospital in Arkansas (which is about 3 hours from where we are) to have her life flighted so that she could be put on bypass. But their was a storm and they couldn't get there until it cleared up enough to fly. Finally it does, and they are still fighting to keep her alive. But by the time they get there she was too unstable to move, and 15 mintues later at 6:45 in the evening on December 29, 2006 Kinsie Grace passed away. My dad said that he seen the medics in the elevator as he was coming to be with us and they were just shaking their heads saying that it was too late and he knew they were talking about Kinsie. It was the absolute worst feeling anyone could ever feel. It can't even be put into words. And now, as I struggle to keep hope and care for my family and having to explain to my now 3 year old that her baby sister is in heaven and she won't be coming home with us ever. You shouldn't have to explain this kind of thing. Death is not something a then 2 year old should have to go through. And while everyone else gets to hold their babies, we are sent home with a box of momentos, a plastic bag of her things, and our hearts shattered forever...